Last year I remember being so completely in bliss that I prayed that God might take me and give me adversity that I might grown and strengthen in my faith and be a good example to others. I was so happy and everything was going so perfectly in my life that I desperately felt that I wanted something to challenge me and that I needed God to grow me and teach me through adversity. Little did I understand what I had asked when I asked it. But God certainly answered in a way I would never have expected, and although I have gone through so much hurt and pain this last year I am very greatful for all the growth and all the lessons I have learned as a result of this past year.
I will trust Him. Whatever, wherever I am, I can never be thrown away. If I am in sickness, my sickness may serve Him; in perplexity, my perplexity may serve Him; if I am in sorrow, my sorrow may serve Him. My sickness, or perplexity, or sorrow may be necessary causes of some great end, which is quite beyond us. He does nothing in vain.
In reflecting on all that has happened this year it is shockingly clear that God has time and time again been trying to get me to learn how to trust in him alone. This and coming to the point of being able to trust in God no matter what my circumstances has been the root of all my struggles this year. My "favorite" verse for this year that has continually been put on my heart admist all that has happened in 2010 is Proverbs 3:5,6
Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
Although I love that verse I would be lying if I did not hate it every time that that the holy spirit put that on my heart this year. And although I would eventually learn to trust in him I would once again gradually slip into going my own way and not totally depending on God and then would crash and come right back to the state of desperation where I would once again have little choice but to trust God as it seemed that was all I had left in the world.
For those of you that do not know my story I will tune you in a bit to just all that happened this year and maybe you can see how clearly God speaks and just how far he went to get me to trust him completely no matter what I am facing. 2010 began rather tragically for me as withing the first week of the year my fiancee of nearly 2 years called off our engagement, our quickly approaching wedding and our relationship all together. Although it shouldn't have been all that much of a shock given the dynamic of our declining relationship I was utterly devastated as I had mistakenly put all my trust in our relationship and had seemly neglected God as I replaced him with this imperfect substitute. This of course was one of the largest reasons our relationship ended up failing as Pat my ex could in no way satisfy my need for God and I in turn was constantly left feeling unloved, neglected, and rejected. The break up only intensified all of these feelings as in that instant of anger our entire lives would completely change as we both knew them. All my future plans went up in flames as they all were based on us getting married and being together I had given up all my hopes and dreams and was going to follow after him. But without him in my life I had no direction whatsoever I was left in the dark completely direction less. To top that all off I was also losing my best friend and the only person I had ever been able to really communicate with and tell everything too. I went from spending every spare moment talking to this guy to being completely isolated. And of course since I had been investing so heavily in this one relationship I had no idea where to turn and didn't even feel there was anyone to turn too.
I knew deep down God was there, but how could I trust God when he had brought Pat and I together and I had trusted him in all that I had felt that God had called us to be together forever and well I insisted that God had lied to me and now I was utterly and completely alone. It was a very very hard first few months and I constantly struggled with not turning to my ex as I would constantly call and beg for a chance as that was all I knew and all I thought I could have. I fell deep into depression and became suicidal. No one knew it as I put on a smile and pretended like nothing had ever happened. Then I confessed to my roommates and they helped with interventions and kidnapping my phone and computer to keep me from falling into talking to Pat. They and my family and my extensive work and school load helped keep me distracted to slowly ween myself off my obsession with this boy. As I gave him up I began to open myself up to God and let him take his rightful place once again.
I got better but I still refused to fully trust God as I just wanted answers as to what in the world I was going to do now. I knew God had plans for me I just could not take being in the dark and it was so hard to trust him alone as I felt like he had neglected to account for the fact that I mess everything up and I felt quite worthless and I was still very distant from God as I still was hurting and wrongfully blamed God for that.
To help fill my void and to feel accepted and loved once again I turned to online dating and began to flit for the first time in my life both online and in person. It may not have been anything over sinfull to the rest of the world but it was totally out of my character and it was a very rebellious act as I was ultimately telling God that he was not worth my trust and that I could get what I needed else where from boys. I slipped and I was very wrong. Although I felt accepted and happy momentarily with those various guys I ended up more broken and feeling all the more worthless and disgusted in myself. I ended up tearing up other relationships I ended up hurting other guys just so I could feel good. I became an addict striving for any kind of attention I could get. And nothing cut it as what I was really longing for was the relationship with God that he so desperately wanted me to have. By may I had done so many things I swore I never would do that I became someone I did not even know. I was able to graduate admits my lack of motivation but was still so uncertain of my future and still had a lot of resentment towards God for leaving me out when in reality all I had to do was open the door an let him in.
Although I was far from fully trusting in God I had come a tremendous ways in those five months and was learning to turn to God rather than boys or work or anything else to find true happiness and purpose. I was far from fully understanding and I was still completely in the dark as to where my life was going to go but I was coming to accept that and learning to trust in God and know that he had better plans for me and that he certainly had a better handle on my life that I did. I began to life my life for God once again. And God blessed me greatly for it he brought a tremendous and much needed peace into my life and then he brought great healthy friendships into my life that have blessed me tremendously. After graduation I very reluctantly followed God back to Binghamton despite having swore to move out. Turns out God had plans for me the one place I didn't want to me.
Back at home God helped me restore family relationships and I have never been closer to my family, God then blessed me with new friendships and eventually a great job in my field none the less. But admits these blessings I was still largely incomplacent and began slipping away from God once again leaning more and more on my own understanding and forgetting all that God had worked so hard to show me earlier that year. On top of my lack of trust in God I had a huge gap in my trust with others and would not let them in and one by one all the relationships God had blessed me with began to fall apart as I denied God his trust and I denied my friendships the opportunity to bloom failing to trust anything or anyone not even myself.
I was left feeling empty as ever and all alone. It was not until I totaled my car July 5th flipping it several times and then being helicoptered in to Cooperstown Trauma center that I would once again realize my dependence on God. God was certainly calling me back to him and clearly but I neglected to give him everything completely there were still things I wanted myself and so I held on and 2 weeks latter I got another and louder wake up call that I needed God and God alone. I said okay but didn't do to much about it. And Crash. I totaled my Dad's van the next week while they were in Mexico. I was left utterly alone and stranded. This time I got the point. I was pretty sure that nothing could get worse and I realized how badly I needed God on my side and how utterly I had messed up. I came back to God and trusted in him once again. Slowly my life came to some asemblance of an order, clearly it was no where near where it could have been had I listened to God the first time. And I was very broken very hurt and very lost and confused and seemly alone once again. It was just me and God and I felt so utterly wrong that I did not even want God as I saw how much I had hurt him and how great he was and how wrong I had been for hating him. I came to trust that he knew what he was doing but not fully as a month latter I acquired well over my limit in traffic tickets from a lot of careless driving and I would panic forgetting once again who was in control. I broke down once again and this time completely gave it to God knowing that without a licence I really had nothing and had no idea what I could even conjure up to fix that. Soon after God provided with a new job that would enable me to work even if I had to lose my licence and courts ruled allowing me to keep it. Truly God's hand was on me. But deep down did I really trust God in everything. No, I was still very much like an Israelite. Yeah that is me alright. And God knew it too. I was willing to trust in God when there was absolutely no other alternative or when things were going well but as soon as I found something that I wasn't happy with I was no longer all that trusting. So God made his point clear once more as I ran into a semi and just barely missed killing myself.
God made it clear and finally I got it, and hopefully I will continue to keep it. Trust in God always! He is good and our own ways will only fail us time and time again. This year has constantly been a reminder of that as well as my falleness and my stubbornness. My hope now is that I will never forget all that God has taught me this year and that I will continue to grow and learn to trust him more and more completely no matter what lies ahead knowing that he has better plans for me then I could ever dream of.
Blessed is the man that trusteth in the LORD, and whose hope the LORD is. For he shall be as a tree planted by the waters, and that spreadeth out her roots by the river, and shall not see when heat cometh, but her leaf shall be green; and shall not be careful in the year of drought, neither shall cease from yielding fruit. The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it? I the LORD search the heart, I try the reins, even to give every man according to his ways, and according to the fruit of his doings
This year was full of my lack of trust in others, in myself, in the future and particularly my lack of complete and total trust in God. I have been so broken and humbled by Gods continual reminder that he is God and I am not. I have lost so many relationships, plans, cars, dreams, goals, money, love etc. On top of that I came so close so many times to losing my faith all together this year, and nearly losing my life as well. But I have gained so much more I have learned what it fully means to depend on God alone and to trust him no matter what your circumstances.
Although the year was scattered with storm after storm, God was with me through it all and he is the only one that I will always be able to count on to carry me through. When my eyes were blind to His presence, my spirit rested in it.
When my heart brimmed over with wept and unwept tears, He caught each one in an ever-ready bottle, transforming them into a healing balm for my soul. When I felt miles away from Him, He would whisper His unfailing promises to me, closer than a heartbeat. I know that I can not escape from God and his love for me and I am confident more than ever of his undying love for me and his plan for my life whatever it may be. I will follow him and trust in him alone from now on. He simply is. And He always will be, just as He always has been. And I am so incredible thankful for my great God.
I will leave you with the lyrics to "What Faith Can Do" by Kutless which has carried me through all of my hardship this year and has pointed me to the truth of God's power and the power of faith and trusting in him. This song had come in to my life in the most remarkable of ways and has touched me immensely and I hope it does for you as well. (You can also see the music video but clicking on the title of this post.) Thanks for listing to all my ramble hope it saves you from having to learn this lesson the hard way as I did.
Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you're stronger, stronger than you know
Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining
I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody’s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It’ll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing
I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
Overcome the odds
http://www.elyricsworld.com/what_faith_can_do_lyrics_kutless.html
You don't have a chance
(That’s what faith can do)
When the world says you can’t
It’ll tell you that you can!
I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
That's what faith can do!
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise
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